No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -Mark Twain

Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. -Unknown

The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. -Ronald Reagan

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it; If it keeps moving, regulate it...and if it stops moving, subsidize it. - Ronald Reagan

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. -Will Rogers

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. -Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

In 1492 Columbus didn't know where he was going, had a mutinous crew, and was entirely dependent on borrowed money.
Today he'd be a political candidate.

Whoever said, 'It's not whether you win or lose that counts," probably lost. --Martina Navratilova

One half the world doesn't understand the other half and it doesn't matter which half you're in.

We have to believe in free will. We have no choice.

Life is a riddle; unfortunately the answer's not written on the back of anything.

Why is it that all of the instruments seeking intelligent life in the universe are pointed away from Earth?

He who hesitates is not necessarily lost, but he may not find another chance to get off the freeway for quite a distance.

To a worm, digging in the hard ground is more relaxing than going fishing.

Give some people an inch, and they'll think they're a ruler.

The best things in life are free...plus tax, shipping and handling.

An undertaker always puts a customer in his place.

Wealthy people miss one of life's greatest thrills. Making the last car payment.

The hotel owner was able to house more customers because he turned his extra dollars into quarters.

They told the sexton and the sexton tolled the bell.

Statistics: The only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

A cereal killer caught while cashing a victim's Chex.

What did the thief do at the goose farm?
He took a gander

Why was the banker bored?
Because he lost interest in everything.

If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become?
Wet

A pun can be told about any subject except a king -- who isn't a subject.

Did you hear about the two podiatrists who opened their offices on the same street?
They were arch enemies.

What did the alien say to the garden?
"Take me to your weeder!"

What kind of person steals soap?
A dirty crook

Where do trout sleep?
In riverbeds

Why can’t you take a picture of a man with a wooden leg in Oklahoma?
Because you need a camera, not a wooden leg

What did the hamburger name his daughter?
Patty

What do you get when you cross a parrot with an eagle?
A paralegal

Did you hear they arrested the devil?
They got him on possession.

What do you get if you cross poison ivy with a four-leaf clover?
You get a rash of good luck!

Where do geologists like to go for entertainment?
To rock ‘n’ roll concerts

What did the delicatessen sell after it burned down?
Smoked meats.

Q: Why don't anteaters get sick?
A: Because they're full of anty-bodies!

Q: What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A: A pool table.

Q: "Have you ever seen a man-eating tiger?"
A: "No, but in the cafe next door I saw a man eating chicken!"

A sister from a local convent became a Certified Public Accountant to help small shop owners manage their finances better. Her title: "Nun of Your Business”

It is remarkable how easy it is to obey traffic signs.... when a cop is behind you.

I kept hanging flyers all over the campus, but no one ever came to our shows. In hindsight, our band probably could have come up with a better name than Lost Dog.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million keyboards will eventually reproduce the works of Shakespeare.
Hasn't the Internet now proven that this is not true?